Hello Sunshine, I'm trying something new today. Blogging in the morning. Probs not goin to work actually because I don't feel like I have much to talk about today. I'm not a morning person at alllll. Yeah right your thinking, watch this turn into an essay. Haha. But no really, i don't have much writing inspiration at the moment. So I think I'm just going to write random sentences that have happened over the last few days or are on my mind and maybe eventual elaboration will just follow.
Angela and i went to see tk and the girls last night, we had a bit of a hang out at Sonya's. Was cute. Will defs be spending more time with Ange now that the whole Jess thing is effecting her heaps at home. Its so sad when you think Jessy was actually 4 months younger than me. So so young. And now gone. We were partying together less than 6months ago. And now gone.
Daniel called me tuesday and i still haven't returned his phone call. That's a big thing for us. I'm just not ready to talk to him yet, and when i hadn't spoke to him i thought it was a massive deal. But when his name did pop up on my screen i just couldn't answer it. I need to get to a stage where I'm not so mad anymore because right now if i answer i will be yelling. & that's not what i want.
I found out, that my whole team at work that i will be managing, is get this, Male. MY WHOLE TEAM. Not one girl. So me, and 8 boys that i have to delegate too. omg. Ive never managed boys before and I'm freaaaaaaaaaaaaaking out. But so far, day 3 of training is going great. My trainer Ben is amazing! Monday will be the big challenge.
Oh. Oh. Oh! Exciting news. I met a boy yesterdaaaaaaay, while i was at Rhodes. Suitable rebound boy from what I can gather so far. Random, i know! He's super cute, not my usual type but 2011 is all about change and risks so im just going to jump in head first and see where it goes. I think its the best way, and the only way, to do things. Could be fuuuuuuuuuuun. Could be? Will be! I have a good feeling about this one. Perfect timing just before Valentines day too. Ofcourse i already have an irriplaceable date for V-Day, Willie will always be my #1 lover boy. Oh he would just die if he heard me use that Mariah term.
He'd be just sooo proud.
& as for my little relapse the other day. I dont miss him, i think i miss the comfort. I think i miss the idea of someone, and not nessesarily him. Ive realised that now. And im cool with it. This new kid on the block will hopefully keep me occupied long enough to pull me out. Hey, there is nothing wrong with a good rebound!
The girls would be so proud.
Ahhhh. So damnn proud.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I will give to you the love you seek and more.
I can't sleep. I miss him. I know I shouldn't but I do. So much is happening and sometimes I want to pick up the phone and just tell him everything. I start my new job tomorrow, and I'm nervous. I still havnt spoken to daniel and its been two days. Jess's 40 day mass was today and I'm so upset for Angela. I don't want to celebrate my bday and I think the girls will probs shoot me when I tell them. Just Everything.
I wish I could still just talk to him freely. He was the best listener. And a true Gemini in his ability to give fantastic bloody advice. I wish he missed me. I know he doesn't because he would have tried. He would have at least replied to my message, but he didn't. He didn't even put up a fight. He let me walk straight out. No hesitation, or effort to stop me. Yeah I know, so why do I miss him. Why would I go back and do it all again in a heart beat. I don't know. I can't even answer that for myself. Insanity; its doing the same thing over and over again. And each time expecting a different result
I wish I could still just talk to him freely. He was the best listener. And a true Gemini in his ability to give fantastic bloody advice. I wish he missed me. I know he doesn't because he would have tried. He would have at least replied to my message, but he didn't. He didn't even put up a fight. He let me walk straight out. No hesitation, or effort to stop me. Yeah I know, so why do I miss him. Why would I go back and do it all again in a heart beat. I don't know. I can't even answer that for myself. Insanity; its doing the same thing over and over again. And each time expecting a different result
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Broken Spirt.
Hey you. Sorry its been a while, I've been wanting to talk for the last few days its just truly been bad timing. Thursday night i slept at eves and Friday i went out, its just been go go go the last few days. & writing you an essay from my phone just didn't seem right. Well Geez, a lot has happened. Thursday night at eves we just had dinner then Friday we got up and went pools/shopped. Well, she shopped. I wasn't really in the mood. Which is kinda crap, considering we were shopping for me and my birthday dress. I started looking over the last few weeks but i just haven't been in the mood. I figured i was just being lazy but Friday i realised my reluctance to find a dress is maybe because i don't really want to celebrate. I mean, whats the point. Its not a massive bday (No i will not tell you my age), And everyone i want to see i see on a weekly basis anyways. All the others, well it will be cute yeah but do i really care? No. The thing is its a bit of a cycle. You don't get excited until you have the dress. Yet, I'm not even excited or bothered to get the dress. Does this mean ill never be excited. My Birthdays the 17th, and we are celebrating on the 19th, so i still have a good few weeks. But meh, i dunno. Maybe i will just cancel the stupid thing.
Hmm. What else did i want to talk to you about. Oh yessssssssssssssssssss. Daniel. FML I WANT TO KILL HIM. I'm not going to get into the fight we had Friday night, what i mainly wanna talk about is how i feel like all my great nights always have 3 seconds of a bad moment. Yet, forever that's all you can remember. Friday night Eve Jou Danny & I, went out with Assad and the boys and it was the besssssssssst night. Taking into consideration the 45degree heat, it was still epic. On the way to the car Daniel and i had a fight. And i was pissed off the whole way home. And i still haven't spoke to him. Yes i know its only been 23 hours, that's a long time for us! But now all i can remember is the fight. Like all i can remember from a few weeks back was the aftermath of leaving my phone. & how charlies bday all i can remember is seeing Mel. Or how after Tiz's bday all i can remember is the Elie situation. Why is 3 seconds of bad, from 5 hours of good the only thing that ever sticks in my head. I hate that. I hate THIS. I'm not calling him first, screw that. He can call me. Ergh.
This whole weekend I've had a bit of a broken spirit. I don't know why. Ive been overly emotional, crying at the drop of a hat. I just don't feel happy the last few days, i don't feel myself. & i don't know if its just the humidity because the heat has been getting to me, or if its truly just a combination of a few different things. Not a lot has gone right the last week. Ive been bickering with my mum, jou has been pissing me off again, and the fight with Daniel just topped it all. My spirit isn't fully in tack. And i think maybe that's why i declined all the invites for tonight also. (there you go, if you were wondering what I'm doing home on a Saturday night) I just new that, well, id be bad company tonight. It must be a little obvious too cause my closest friends can tell something is up. Sarkis has been bugging me all week to tell him whats wrong. I honestly cant even describe the feeling thou. I feel like this week, nothing has enlightened me or fed my soul. Everything has just been so bland. How do you explain that to a boy. I love your persistence sark.
So anyways, on a more exciting note. More more thing to tell. I got one of those jobs i went for. Yay me. I start Monday (yeah, like two days Monday) Its a little scary, especially to be chucked straight in and to be managing people that have been there a lot longer than me. But they think i can do it, then I'm sure i can do it. Its exciting. I'm looking forward to the challenge. As for Europe, I'm still working towards that. Hopefully i can get some time off to travel for a little while in about July, and if i decide i want more time we will just take it as it comes. I haven't decided in what direction that is going just yet - but i just figured opportunities don't come around all that often and i just had to take this.
There is so many other things that have happened over the last few days but i just don't have time to elaborate. Staying at Eves made me realise how weird it is that people you grew up with side by side, can suddenly feel like strangers. Eves Brothers and i used to be inseparable. And now i feel like a simple conversation is difficult. I realise that people will always act different around their boyfriends, girlfriends. I realise that for guy friends no matter how close you have always been, the girlfriend is still always insecure about it. I realise that this is just what comes with the territory of being a guys girl. This weekend i also noticed how empty my house is without my brothers, they are away at a bucks. I wonder if this is what my house was like when i left for a month. I realised with my fight with Daniel that sometimes you need to just stand your ground and fight those battles that generally you let him win. I realised Tiz and I havnt spoken as much over the last week or so, and I'm so happy that things are finally working out with her and Elie. But I feel like as bad at it is, we were united in our broken hearts. I realise that I miss my best friend, and eventually a boy will come along and take her away. I realise that the deleting of certain phone numbers was the right thing to do, even thou it was painful at the time. Because I've relapsed quite a few times, but with no phone number. No form of contact. It has been my only saviour.
Fate decides who walks into your life. Its you thou that decides who stays, who you let walk away, and who you refuse to ever let leave.
Hmm. What else did i want to talk to you about. Oh yessssssssssssssssssss. Daniel. FML I WANT TO KILL HIM. I'm not going to get into the fight we had Friday night, what i mainly wanna talk about is how i feel like all my great nights always have 3 seconds of a bad moment. Yet, forever that's all you can remember. Friday night Eve Jou Danny & I, went out with Assad and the boys and it was the besssssssssst night. Taking into consideration the 45degree heat, it was still epic. On the way to the car Daniel and i had a fight. And i was pissed off the whole way home. And i still haven't spoke to him. Yes i know its only been 23 hours, that's a long time for us! But now all i can remember is the fight. Like all i can remember from a few weeks back was the aftermath of leaving my phone. & how charlies bday all i can remember is seeing Mel. Or how after Tiz's bday all i can remember is the Elie situation. Why is 3 seconds of bad, from 5 hours of good the only thing that ever sticks in my head. I hate that. I hate THIS. I'm not calling him first, screw that. He can call me. Ergh.
This whole weekend I've had a bit of a broken spirit. I don't know why. Ive been overly emotional, crying at the drop of a hat. I just don't feel happy the last few days, i don't feel myself. & i don't know if its just the humidity because the heat has been getting to me, or if its truly just a combination of a few different things. Not a lot has gone right the last week. Ive been bickering with my mum, jou has been pissing me off again, and the fight with Daniel just topped it all. My spirit isn't fully in tack. And i think maybe that's why i declined all the invites for tonight also. (there you go, if you were wondering what I'm doing home on a Saturday night) I just new that, well, id be bad company tonight. It must be a little obvious too cause my closest friends can tell something is up. Sarkis has been bugging me all week to tell him whats wrong. I honestly cant even describe the feeling thou. I feel like this week, nothing has enlightened me or fed my soul. Everything has just been so bland. How do you explain that to a boy. I love your persistence sark.
So anyways, on a more exciting note. More more thing to tell. I got one of those jobs i went for. Yay me. I start Monday (yeah, like two days Monday) Its a little scary, especially to be chucked straight in and to be managing people that have been there a lot longer than me. But they think i can do it, then I'm sure i can do it. Its exciting. I'm looking forward to the challenge. As for Europe, I'm still working towards that. Hopefully i can get some time off to travel for a little while in about July, and if i decide i want more time we will just take it as it comes. I haven't decided in what direction that is going just yet - but i just figured opportunities don't come around all that often and i just had to take this.
There is so many other things that have happened over the last few days but i just don't have time to elaborate. Staying at Eves made me realise how weird it is that people you grew up with side by side, can suddenly feel like strangers. Eves Brothers and i used to be inseparable. And now i feel like a simple conversation is difficult. I realise that people will always act different around their boyfriends, girlfriends. I realise that for guy friends no matter how close you have always been, the girlfriend is still always insecure about it. I realise that this is just what comes with the territory of being a guys girl. This weekend i also noticed how empty my house is without my brothers, they are away at a bucks. I wonder if this is what my house was like when i left for a month. I realised with my fight with Daniel that sometimes you need to just stand your ground and fight those battles that generally you let him win. I realised Tiz and I havnt spoken as much over the last week or so, and I'm so happy that things are finally working out with her and Elie. But I feel like as bad at it is, we were united in our broken hearts. I realise that I miss my best friend, and eventually a boy will come along and take her away. I realise that the deleting of certain phone numbers was the right thing to do, even thou it was painful at the time. Because I've relapsed quite a few times, but with no phone number. No form of contact. It has been my only saviour.
Fate decides who walks into your life. Its you thou that decides who stays, who you let walk away, and who you refuse to ever let leave.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
You always want what you can't have.
I think I'm addicted to Ebay. And, addicted could maybe be an understatement. I love it. Always have. Ive been trying to work out what the addiction is. I'm not really a shopping girl, but there is just something about Ebay. I was thinking about why earlier and the only thing i can put it down to is - the thrill. I'm like that with most weaknesses in my life. My main two - Ebay and Boys that are bad for my mental health.
The thing is, usually I don't actually want the product (Okay sometimes i reallllllllly do) But most times its a game. Its the thrill of trying to win, its the unpredictability that keeps you tied in. Its not knowing whats going to happen next, the up and the downs, the constant struggle to win. The excitement. Today i bidded a dress from $59.95 all the way up to $96, back and forth within about 4minutes. I was on my phone and in the last minute the wireless decided to drop out. I lost. Its okay, cause i really didn't want the dress anyways, i mean i liked it, but i didn't LOVE it. I only decided i had to have it when some bitch decided to outbid me. See what i mean by game.
Its a competition. For some reason as soon as i cant have something i all of a sudden want it, even if i truly don't even want it. I'm the same with boys. The ones that throw themselves at me, and make so much effort i tear down. I rip them apart in my head and decide i just cant date them, something isn't working, and then the breakup happens. I don't deserve most of the guys that come my way. I attract the best kind. (yeah so we have established some are a little boring) But still the best.
And even thou i can freely admit this, i can also admit that i am truly still never satisfied. I want the ones... okay the ONE i cant have. The one that treats me like shit and leads me on. That does realise what he has. That doesn't realise nobody will make the effort for him like i have, and will. And the worst bit is, ill put 300% into a relationship that was doomed from the beginning, ill invest so much emotionally into someone that isn't even emotionally open to me, and yet when i have exactly what i need in front of me, willing to give me everything and more - i get bored and only ever put 20%. And that's if he is lucky.
Ive never been one for stability, that's probably why i enjoy the ups and downs, i crave the challenge. My brain starts to freak out when things go too smoothly. Its not what I'm used too. Ive got the 'boys that are bad for my mental helth' down packed. Haven't spoke to him in nearly two weeks. And I'm going to try stop writing off all the good ones. I probably should give the boring ones a fair go. And maybe ill stop spending all my money on Ebay. Hmmmmm. Nah. Ebay can stay. Hey, two out of three ain't bad.
The thing is, usually I don't actually want the product (Okay sometimes i reallllllllly do) But most times its a game. Its the thrill of trying to win, its the unpredictability that keeps you tied in. Its not knowing whats going to happen next, the up and the downs, the constant struggle to win. The excitement. Today i bidded a dress from $59.95 all the way up to $96, back and forth within about 4minutes. I was on my phone and in the last minute the wireless decided to drop out. I lost. Its okay, cause i really didn't want the dress anyways, i mean i liked it, but i didn't LOVE it. I only decided i had to have it when some bitch decided to outbid me. See what i mean by game.
Its a competition. For some reason as soon as i cant have something i all of a sudden want it, even if i truly don't even want it. I'm the same with boys. The ones that throw themselves at me, and make so much effort i tear down. I rip them apart in my head and decide i just cant date them, something isn't working, and then the breakup happens. I don't deserve most of the guys that come my way. I attract the best kind. (yeah so we have established some are a little boring) But still the best.
And even thou i can freely admit this, i can also admit that i am truly still never satisfied. I want the ones... okay the ONE i cant have. The one that treats me like shit and leads me on. That does realise what he has. That doesn't realise nobody will make the effort for him like i have, and will. And the worst bit is, ill put 300% into a relationship that was doomed from the beginning, ill invest so much emotionally into someone that isn't even emotionally open to me, and yet when i have exactly what i need in front of me, willing to give me everything and more - i get bored and only ever put 20%. And that's if he is lucky.
Ive never been one for stability, that's probably why i enjoy the ups and downs, i crave the challenge. My brain starts to freak out when things go too smoothly. Its not what I'm used too. Ive got the 'boys that are bad for my mental helth' down packed. Haven't spoke to him in nearly two weeks. And I'm going to try stop writing off all the good ones. I probably should give the boring ones a fair go. And maybe ill stop spending all my money on Ebay. Hmmmmm. Nah. Ebay can stay. Hey, two out of three ain't bad.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band.
I haven't posted in two days, and to be honest i was going to give today a miss also. Really, since Saturday night nothing too significant has happened. But, you know, i didn't want to make this non-blogging a habit. I know me, and my bad habits ... well they can turn into laziness, and i don't want that for you.
So i had an Epiphany.
Every time i don't have anything significant to say, I'm going to tell you something significant about me. After all this blog is about getting to know the real me. Right? So its got to be something about Sara, the real Sara, something that maybe only a select few know, or maybe its not something special at all... its just something only very few actually remember.
Today's random Fact. My favorite song... of all time. Not many people could tell you the answer to this one. And i couldn't even BEGIN to name to some of my favorite artists because I'm so extremely scattered in my music. And to be quite honest, I don't even know why this particular song is my favorite song ever. I don't know why nothing will ever beat it. It doesn't have any significant meaning, or moment, or memory in my life - it has just always, i suppose, just got me. I love it.
Elton John - Tiny Dancer.
Hold me closer tiny dancer ; Count the headlights on the highway ; Lay me down in sheets of linen ; you had a busy day today
If you do want to talk about a song that does have a significant meaning, or moment, or memory in my life - There is one other.
This is a favorite song of mine although unlike Elton i will rarely listen to it of my own accord. Occasionally it will come on Richard Mercer - Love Song Dedications (I'm obsessed. We will get into that one day)
Daryl Braithwaite - The horses.
I can hear my dads voice in my head just reading that. So beautiful.
Well, i know this blog wasn't filled with drama and confusion and whats going on inside my head. But i hope you learnt something, its another piece of the puzzle that is Sez. I look forward to my random facts, randomly popping up when i have nothing else to say! Yay!
I love you bog. Nearly as much as i love Ebay! Oh, and do i love Ebay!
So i had an Epiphany.
Every time i don't have anything significant to say, I'm going to tell you something significant about me. After all this blog is about getting to know the real me. Right? So its got to be something about Sara, the real Sara, something that maybe only a select few know, or maybe its not something special at all... its just something only very few actually remember.
Today's random Fact. My favorite song... of all time. Not many people could tell you the answer to this one. And i couldn't even BEGIN to name to some of my favorite artists because I'm so extremely scattered in my music. And to be quite honest, I don't even know why this particular song is my favorite song ever. I don't know why nothing will ever beat it. It doesn't have any significant meaning, or moment, or memory in my life - it has just always, i suppose, just got me. I love it.
Elton John - Tiny Dancer.
Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band ; Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man ; Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand ; And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand
Hold me closer tiny dancer ; Count the headlights on the highway ; Lay me down in sheets of linen ; you had a busy day today
The Lyrics really don't do it any justice. You really have to just listen to the beauty of Elton's Voice. Amazing. So there you have it - My favorite song ever.
If you do want to talk about a song that does have a significant meaning, or moment, or memory in my life - There is one other.
This is a favorite song of mine although unlike Elton i will rarely listen to it of my own accord. Occasionally it will come on Richard Mercer - Love Song Dedications (I'm obsessed. We will get into that one day)
But other than random radio play, i will rarely listen to this song. The reason, and the significance - My dad used to sing it to me when i was a baby, and it always makes me so emotional.
Daryl Braithwaite - The horses.
We will fly-y-y way up high-igh-igh where the cold wind blows ; Or in the sun, laughin' havin' fu-un with all the people that she knows ; And if the situation should keep us separate-ed, you know the world won't fall apart ; And you will free the beautiful bir-ir-ird that's caught inside your heart
You will grow-ow and until you go-o, I'll be right there by your si-ide ; That's the way it's gonna be little darlin' ; You'll go riding on the horses yeah yeah ; Way up in the sky little darlin' ; And if you fall I'll pick you up, pick you u-up
You will grow-ow and until you go-o, I'll be right there by your si-ide ; That's the way it's gonna be little darlin' ; You'll go riding on the horses yeah yeah ; Way up in the sky little darlin' ; And if you fall I'll pick you up, pick you u-up
I can hear my dads voice in my head just reading that. So beautiful.
Well, i know this blog wasn't filled with drama and confusion and whats going on inside my head. But i hope you learnt something, its another piece of the puzzle that is Sez. I look forward to my random facts, randomly popping up when i have nothing else to say! Yay!
I love you bog. Nearly as much as i love Ebay! Oh, and do i love Ebay!
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