I know what I want. I think?

Its 1am. Saturday night (well technically now Sunday morning) Sydney time. I was at Naha's Engagement tonight. Its so weird to see my friends getting engaged. Jenny's wedding is in November, Naha's wont be too far off that. Krystle & Jeff's 3 years is August and Rima will be a Saad any day now. The upside is this group are definitely are my more mature friends.

Tiz, Tammy, Daniel, they aren't getting engaged anytime soon.  I love my mental single friends. But nights like tonight do make me think, which group would i rather be in? A stable relationship would be kinda nice. Naha & Joe looked so amazing tonight. It was beautiful. I wonder if one day i want that? Ive always said marriage isn't a priority for me, but when i say priority it means not right now, but eventually. Right? I don't know. Is that what i want. But I want to travel, i want to live. I want to explore and be free. And i don't want to be tied down. That's what i know. So i suppose its not what i want. Well right now anyways. But why do sometimes i burst into little fits of 'gosh it would be nice to have a decent boyfriend'.

Don't get me wrong, the guys i date are nice. Super nice. Just...well, how do i say this kindly - boring.
I have yet to come across one male species that i can say i would gladly walk the great wall of china with, or ski the Russian Alps side by side, or go on safari in Africa with. Sure these guys are 'nice'. If you want a picket fence and 4 children with a veggie patch out back. But right now I'm not looking for nice.
I'm looking for soul mate. Someone on my wave length. And its just not the same with one of the boys, even thou they understand me, and my passion (& would probably be more fun) than any male interest i have ever come across.

Tonight was cute. Naha and Joe are Cute. Krystle and Jeff are Cute. Jenny and James, super cute. And even though tonight i was looking around at all the happy couples, thinking, gosh i wish i had that. I realise now, its not what i want at all. And yes, sometimes i seem to re-laps into 'relationship jelously' but generally its only for that one split second, or that one hour, or that one night. And i pull myself back out. Because i know what i want. And right now its not a picket fence and 4 children and a veggie patch out back.

Congrats Nounou & Joe. Loving you both xxx

Utter confusion.

Did you miss me? Who am i kidding you don't exist! Lol. Hey blog. So, I didn't write yesterday not because i had nothing to write, but because i had too much to write ! My brain was on overload for so much of yesterday. I'm confused. And i know telling you will help me put it out there, but it wont help me make a decision. Your nobody. You don't talk back. You don't tell me what i should and shouldn't do. So even after this massive essay/rant/blog whatever you want to call it, even after this, i will still be at square one.

But OK let me tell you whats bothering me anyways. Next week, i have two job interviews. Amazing jobs. Things I've always wanted to do, one is in journalism the other is in Event Management. I have everything they want and more, and i know ill hit both interviews out of the park (please die at my confidence?) No really but, I'm just one of those people, i don't get nervous, i go in there and do what needs to be done. I thrive under pressure and i get along with anyone. So interviews are a breeze for me. And like i said, greatttt jobs.

But my ultimate plan of Europe this year, is down the drain if i take one of these. If i end up in a new job, Europe realistically is only 5 months away. We are already in February. Nobody is going to give me 6 weeks leave when I've only been with them for under 5 months. And i don't even want 6 weeks leave. I want at leas two months. I want more than that. I don't want to do 20 countries in 45 days. I want to experience them, live, then get a car and drive from Prague to Berlin, And from Berlin to the Netherlands, Amsterdam, Belgium, France. Then do fashion week in Milan, explore Rome. Fly from Rome to Spain - And that's just Western Europe. I want to work my way around, and when i say work. I mean work, like set up in Prague for a month and work. Live in Europe. I want to follow summer around the world. And if i love it so much maybe ill stay and put up with the -4degree winters. My destiny is not in Australia, and its definitely not in Sydney.

But to do Europe, i will need to quit my ultimate jobs. Like i said, nobody is giving me the time off. And i know what your thinking - isn't a career more important than a stupid overseas trip. Yeah, i cant wait to be in a job i love and a career i love, but once i get into it i want to really get into it. And to me its not stupid, i know in my heart i will always have this desire to travel so i don't want to get into a dead end job and never be able to do this. As the years go on this is going to be more and more impossible.

My interviews are Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'm just going to go from there. If they even offer me the jobs, and they are too good to pass up, then i suppose Europe will have to wait. I'm still so confused. Europe is something I've been working towards and wanted for so long. But is it stupid to pass up such an opportunity if i get it? I secretly hope i don't get the jobs. Is that bad? I wish somebody tell me what to do !! No point asking my friends. I know what they would say already. Tiz would tell me to do what makes me happy. Assad the same. Sarkis and Daniel would tell me, take the job! Coco would tell me to do Europe cause its all Ive ever wanted for as long as he has known me. Eve the same. Tammy will Tell me to just move to china while I'm at it because I'm so Bi-polar! William would tell me to never leave. He didn't even want me to go to Lebanon. But that doesn't help, cause at the end of the day they will all let me do what i want if i decide otherwise. I don't need advice, i need someone to TELL me what to do.

Sometimes i wish i was just one of those girls that dreams of wedding dresses and husbands, in big houses with millions of children, just baking cakes all day. How simple life would be. If only that was the extent of my imagination.

101 Dreams.

If you hadn't noticed i generally get all my inspiration after dark. OK, between 11-3am to be more specific. I'm definitely a night person, always have been. Cant get a word outta me before midday, even if you wake me up at 7am. And that's on a good day. Definitely a night person. I can lay away all night! I never really dream at night thou, generally i wake up with a blank canvas, but i sure as hell dream in the day. I'm probably the biggest dreamer you will come across, i have a million different thoughts at any one given time, things i want to accomplish, achieve, experience. If money wasn't an option seeing the moon would probably be on my list too.

For Christmas Jenny bought me a book. 101 Dreams. Its my OBSESSION at the moment. (apart from my new Kookai Skirt, and the Solarium of course) But yes, I'm obsessed. There is just toooo much to write in it. I have a million things in my brain, but i recently started to narrow it down. I really wanted to make the first few as realistic and achievable as possible. I haven't put a time limit on these but this is what i have so far.
You can thank number 4 for the reason i even started this blog.

1. Design; Design and create my very own clothing line. From start to finish, ready for wear.
2. Fly; Learn to fly. Finish my private pilots licence.
3. Return; Return to Lebanon. Live, experience, actually get a feel for my country and its culture.
4. Make Art; Design, Photograph. Paint. Draw. Write. Blog. Let your feelings and emotions out into art.
5. Speak; Learn to speak fluent Arabic. Teach it to your children.
6. Volunteer; Volunteer for a cause your passionate about, in Australia and Overseas.
7. Explore Oz; See your own country. Explore Australia. Do it properly. Road trip through the outback.


So its not much so far, considering i have to get to 101. Sure i could have put, walk the great wall of china, eat pasta in Italy. Climb the Eiffel tower. But those things they are so, well, ordinary. I want to achieve things that will have meaning in my life. That i LOVE. That will help me grow as a person and develop.
These first 7 are the things I'm so passionate about. Art. Design. Photography. Journalism. Aviation. Travel. Learning about my heritage, in Australia and Lebanon. Volunteering for a good Cause. Helping the ones who cant help themselves. Its about Karma & Love.

I want to do something with my life that feeds my brain without killing my soul.
I haven't quite worked out what it is yet. But I'm getting there slowly. Putting my dreams on paper is a massive step in the right direction, helping me work towards them. Putting my life on paper is the exact same thing. When you can see and read over what you are feeling, what you want, what you are aiming for it helps with the confusion and the jumble inside your brain. Well it helps with the confusion inside an over-thinkers brain, like mine.

Like i said earlier. Eternal optimism is the disease i have. I just think dreams are all we have. Sometimes you need to take a chance, trust people. Trust yourself. Just let go. What is impossible? I always think. Really. What IS impossible? Because there once was a time we didn't have aeroplanes. We hadn't been to the moon. We thought the earth was flat. Women couldn't vote. Blacks weren't counted in the population. We couldn't replace a heart with surgery. Really. I ask you again. What is impossible?? What would you do if money wasn't an object. Think about it.... Just one thing.

All people dream...... But not equally..
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find it is vanity;
but the dreamers of the day are dangerous,
for they act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible.

T.E. Lawrence

I have no doubt I deserve my enemies. But sometimes, I truly don't believe I deserve my friends.

Today I'm happier than a bird with a french fry. I'm not sure why but I've been walking around randomly smiling. My love life is in the dump and i have bags under my eyes from crying all last night. But, this morning. I'm content. Some people seriously make me laugh.... the people that think there life is SO shit. No matter what happens, the way i look at it is - I have my health, and i have my family, and i have my faith. Right? I think the disease I have is called eternal optimism? Hahaha. No really, what can be so bad! I count myself lucky thou, i have one thing to be so thank full for. One thing god has blessed me with, and always has blessed me with, great bloody friends.

I have the most amazing friends, and if you think you have amazing friends, well you don't.
Saturday night as well as seeing mister 'ive just been around for the past 4 years to fuck with your head', i also saw my ex bf (hence why i end up being soooo drunk). I also saw a girl that i wouldn't mind stabbing in the eyes. And i could have had the shittiest night ever because of some stupid heads, but i had around me the most amazing people. My support group. People that know me inside out. People who know what to do and when to do it.

Probably wouldn't be able to live with out you guys. Shame they have no idea this blog exists.
Tizz you are my angel. The one person i can turn too for anything, even thou it doesn't seem it sometimes. Sarkis, omg sarkis, You are my rock. I don't let you know very often (actually probably never) how much i actually appreciate you. Every second of everyday i appreciate that you are in my life. Eve, even thou if we weren't related we would quote-unquote 'fucking hate eachother', thank god we are. Thank god as you would say, "our tayta had daughters and those daughters had daughters." You are not my cousin, you are my sister. But Tammy, tk, the one the only, you are my soul mate - The only person that fully and truly understands me. The only person i ever properly let my guard down with. Soul mate is an understatement.
Willie. My baby brother, you have your head in the clouds, your up there with the fairy's and sometimes I let you take me there with you. Your my dreamer. You take me away from reality when i really need it, and I don't even have words for how much i love you. Daniel, even thou you can be more of a princess than me, a head do-er and you annoy me just as much as i bet i annoy everyone else - Danny baby, you keep me grounded. You keep my feet on the floor. If there is one person that can slap me back down to reality, its you. Rima, you are my strength, you give me inspiration more than anyone.

Krystle - My longest friend. Even thou i don't see you every day, when i do its like we've been together our whole life. Assad, you are my most recent friend but probably one of my more cherished.  You will be one of my longest friend in the end, the bond we have is amazing. The effort you make for me, even thou the short time you have known me is amazing. I would do anything for you. Your girlfriend is a very lucky woman. You boy, are one of a kind.
Joumana, right now i want to KILL YOU. And i know we never really fully get along. Its very love/hate. But i truly do love you as much as i hate you, and we know that's alot! ;)

Every single one of my friends, serve a different purpose and a different means in my life, and that's without even the mention of a few. Coco. I want to cry just mentioning you. Inseparable for a good 5 years, down to nothing. I will always cherish what we had, but will never forgive you for what you threw away. I look forward to the wedding. Myles. My main man. Joey my future cousin in law. Jenny, my brains when i need you most. Rebecca, my gentle giant. Christina. Monique. Bish. Abes. Stacey. Sandra. Lisa. Chan. Everyone. I love you allllllllllllllllll. Even you, the one name I will never mention here. Mister "I've only been around for the past 4 years to screw with your head" even though were not friends. I love you too. I will always love you.

So, I don't care if i never have anything in my life. I know i have such amazing people around me, people that are there for me, will support me in anything i do, people that if i was homeless tomorrow would take me in.
And that's all you really need. Right.

I've never been so angry in my life.

So, you know how I said I didn't have the words. Well I woke up this morning with a thought, why was none of his messages from saturday night in my inbox? Or my sent items? Umm I delete everything anyways, but usually I delete them. They don't magically disappear. So I checked my Received and Missed calls, and surly enough his name was gone from their too. So remember how I also said, I KNOW he would have gone through my phone, even thou I don't have proof, I just KNOW cause that's the type of sick insecure person he is. Well, suprise suprise, I was right. And now if he denies anything I do have proof.

What a fucking asshole. I new, like I NEW already the second I realised my phone was left behind its implications... But I didnt think he would make it this obvious that he would blatantly go though my shit. Fml. Is he normal? I'm so infuriated with rage its not even funny. And now I have the words. As soon as I realised I messaged him something along the lines off this. (Ok ok its the exact wording)

"So why didn't you just delete your number from my contacts too while you were at it? Your right I should never have trusted you. Your so pathetic. You can have alllllllllll the space you need. Do not call or message me, if you see me out - pretend you don't know me. I'm so so done. Enjoy your space."

Go me. So I did it myself. Deleted his number from my contacts, deleted everything. Deleted his number from my email. From my facebook. From anywhere he has ever sent it to me again after we've lost contact.

Being an asshole, being a piece of shit, treating me like crap, only calling me when he wants something, when he is bored or its convenient for him. Not wanting people to even know we are friends, let alone a relationship. For some reason I could deal with that. I would tell myself, he will get over it, he's not an asshole he is just emotionally screwed. He is not messing with me he just doesn't want a girlfriend. For some reason, I could deal with alllllll that.

But going through my phone, blatantly deleting himself from my phone, from my life. I can not deal with that. I can not deal with the invasion of privacy let alone the trust issues. I'm glad this has happened. Its a big big wake up call. A massive slap in the face that I needed. It is the first and last time i will EVER cry over this boy. Cry... ball my eyes out... over this boy. All i can say is this bastard is damn lucky i belive in karma.

This is my chance to set a massive process in motion. A courageous move that I probably wouldn't have been able to stick by otherwise. This is a positive step forwards. And damn straight its his loss.

Don't settle, petal.

Its no secret I'm a fan of the zodiacs. Ok so 'Fan', is probably an understatement. I'm religious about star signs. And its no secret my favoritism towards certain signs and my bias hate for others. Gemini, Aquarius, Libra would have to be my top 3. But Capricorn, Scorpio, Taurus, Ergh ! Gemini's oh how I LOVE my Geminis. Every boyfriend I have ever had. Gemini. Mel, David, both Gemini's. Suchhhh a volatile couple we are, but what chemistry we produce. The current jerk in my life, although never been my boyfriend. Also a Gemini.

I always judge a person by their star sign. I know that's not a good way to do things, but I just can't help myself sometimes. It truly tells you so much about a person. Like it tells you Geminis are two faced, untrustworthy - no matter how much you think you can trust them you can't. They are deceptive, fake undermining bastards. The image they portray and the image that is reality is always completely another. Geminis are dreamers, that's why they are so far off the mark most of the time in life. I don't know why I love them so much, the above doesn't sound all that appealing, does it. But then again, I always attract the insecure untrustworthy kind. Standard Sara's type.

Why would I want to be with someone who trusts me, or loves me for me - not my 2am booty calls. Why would I want to be with someone who puts a cheesy grin on my face the second they wake me in the morning, and that tells me I'm beautiful, funny, smart, and everything they've always dreamed off. Why would I want to be happy. You know what's even worse. Why would I think I deserve any less than this ? Why would I settle for any less? Why DO I settle for any less. I don't know why. And its not like I think I can't do better, I'm not the settler, I'm the reacher. I'm that average looking girl with the enormous standards, everyone has a friend like me. I'm that friend that is so picky. That see's a supermodel of a man and says 'hmm he's ok, but I probably wouldn't date him'. Ummm just quietly Sara, he probably wouldn't date you ! Hahaha. No but you get my drift, I think I deserve the world. Plus more. So why I settle for this current asshole of a Gemini's sneaky tricks is beyond me.

I left my phone is his car yesterday by accident. I know he would have went through my inbox, and probably my photos and everything else with it. I would not be surprised. When i say he WOULD OF, I mean I have no solid proof, but I know this boy. There was two opened messages in my Inbox that were received while the phone was in his presence, and he read them. Why not the others? He wouldn't be able to resist. He's so insecure he needs to know everythinggggg. And that's annoying because now, if this is true, I'm turned off him for life. If being an asshole and a jerk and treating me like complete crap wasn't enough (and it wasn't clearly, cause I still talk to him) this just turns me off even more. I HATE people touching my stuff. I would have been more upset if I expected better, but honestly I didn't. I expected this from him, whole heatedly.

I've been writing a message all day, something nice but firm that pretty much says we can't talk anymore, but I just haven't got it right yet. The wording is all off. But when I get it right - that's it. And I knowwww I've said this before. I know I know. But this truly is. The end.

Close your eyes. Clear your heart. Let it go.

Sometimes I think, where will i be in 3 years, in 5 years, in 10 years. I'm a thinker, i think probably too much about everything. I know for the last four years Ive pretty much stood still, especially in my love life. Yeah there has been people, and Ive learned a lot. Ive loved a few, but i look back and right now i still feel like I'm in the same position as i was when i was 20. With the same person.

What is love. This thing that gets our heart racing, makes nights sleepless, overworks our brains. What is it. Is it even worth the heartache and stress it brings upon us. Of course it is.

I cant say right now I'm in LOVE with the person in question. The person that has been in my life (on and off) for the last 4 years. But i can say, i still get butterflies when he messages me, even though its not that often. I can say my heart still drops into my stomach when i see him. I can say my heart races a million miles a second when he is looking at me. I can say on more than one occasion, whilst out, i have had to go to the bathroom because i feel physically sick when I've randomly seen him. I don't know why he gives me this feeling. But i do know, out of every guy i have ever dated, he is the only one that ever has.

I can say at one stage i did love him, even though i don't think i ever had the guts to tell him. I can say at one stage he ripped my heart out, even thought i don't think he had the eyes to see it. I can say that he still tears at my heart every now and then, but these days i try not to let him so much. I don't know what it is that pulls me towards him, its something greater than us both. I don't know if he just thinks our relationship (or me) is just 'convenient'. I don't know if there is something there on his end. I don't know if something was ever there. I don't know a lot of things. There are so many unanswered questions in my head. And i know i should be strong enough to walk away without these questions answered, but I'm truly not.

Its funny because I'm one of the strongest people i know. I am able to pull any of my friends out of a rut, I'm the motivator, the doctor Phil, the shoulder to cry on. I'm the problem solver. I'm the strong friend. The one you call when everything is falling apart.
But when it comes to me, and especially me with him. I'm so weak. And worse, I think he knows this too.
I don't ask questions about our relationship. I am myself, but in an overly shy manner. So i am truly not myself. Over the last few years the Sara he has come to know, is not the Sara that everyone else knows. Shame. Cause he would love the Sara everyone else knows.

My walls have gone up, and i try to bring them down. And, I try to bring his down. But i think the gates have been shut on both ends. & i don't think they will be opening up to each other for a long long time. That's just reality. Ive known forever that this relationship is not healthy, my friends tell me all the time. My friends thou, are too good to me. They support me in whatever i do. Including seeing boys that are bad for my mental health.

But writing. Putting my mind on paper. Its so much clearer. It hits you harder. Hits so much harder.
So I've decided
Im backing away. I'm letting him go. I'm freeing myself.
Its been way too long. I deserve this.
My heart deserves this.

Everything I ever need to know I learned in Kindergarten.

I'm starting this blog as a place to rant. A solitude. A place where i can express what i am truly thinking, with the security of privacy. I'm hoping this will allow me to learn, not only about myself, but my life, my thoughts and allow me to clear my head. Ive always been a avid writer, But never a published one. and Ive never done this before so you will have to bear with me. I'm not sure where to start, or how to even do this. So i suppose, I'm just going to start.

I'm Sara, you can call me Sez, who ever you are. I'm a true Aquarius, every single bit of me. I make mistakes. That's what I do. I speak without thinking. I act without knowing. I drink so much i can barley walk, i laugh so much i can barley breath. Ill remember your star sign before your name. I'm random and impulsive, and a lot of fun.  I expect a lot, but that's because i give a lot. I live for my friends and family and the people i love most. I don't have enemy's or hold grudges, but don't get on my bad side because it is a very rare few that will ever get a second chance with this heart. I may forgive, but i will never forget. I have been in love, and i have also had my heart ripped out, crushed, driven over and thrown from a 50ft building before. That hurts. I'm not a very emotional person, and it takes a while to get inside, but once you are in, you are in forever. Its only the people that see the spark that persist through my walls and over the bridges i suppose. And they are the people i live and breathe for. I wouldn't say I'm a religious person, but by birth i am Christian Orthodox. As i have gotten older i have come to appreciate the notion of Karma a little more than religion itself. The fact that what you do, will come back to you 10 fold. That every action is a small ripple in the universe and kindness and peace forever lives on in how you treat others and yourself intrigues and motivates me. I suppose thou that this also is the basis of true Christianity, Treat people as you wish to be treated.
There is also something i read once, that has to be one of the most brilliant things i have ever come into contact with. Something i try to live by also.

Everything i ever need to know i learned in Kindergarten.
Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say your sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life - Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing some. Dance and play and work every day, some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup : The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice, and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

 Robert Fulghum, you are a genius.

Everything you have ever needed to know is in there somewhere. The golden rule. and Love, and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics, and equality and sane living.
Just think what the world would be like of we all - the whole world- had cookies and milk at 3pm every afternoon then layed down for a nap. Or if all governments has basic policies to always put things back where they got them and clean up their own mess. And it is still always true, no matter how old you are - it is best when you go out into the big world. To hold hands and stick together.

I suppose as the days go on, you will learn more about me. About my life and my friends, what i love and what i hate. What is really going on inside my head. You will probably get to know me better than some people i spend my entire life with know me. And i cant wait.