Close your eyes. Clear your heart. Let it go.

Sometimes I think, where will i be in 3 years, in 5 years, in 10 years. I'm a thinker, i think probably too much about everything. I know for the last four years Ive pretty much stood still, especially in my love life. Yeah there has been people, and Ive learned a lot. Ive loved a few, but i look back and right now i still feel like I'm in the same position as i was when i was 20. With the same person.

What is love. This thing that gets our heart racing, makes nights sleepless, overworks our brains. What is it. Is it even worth the heartache and stress it brings upon us. Of course it is.

I cant say right now I'm in LOVE with the person in question. The person that has been in my life (on and off) for the last 4 years. But i can say, i still get butterflies when he messages me, even though its not that often. I can say my heart still drops into my stomach when i see him. I can say my heart races a million miles a second when he is looking at me. I can say on more than one occasion, whilst out, i have had to go to the bathroom because i feel physically sick when I've randomly seen him. I don't know why he gives me this feeling. But i do know, out of every guy i have ever dated, he is the only one that ever has.

I can say at one stage i did love him, even though i don't think i ever had the guts to tell him. I can say at one stage he ripped my heart out, even thought i don't think he had the eyes to see it. I can say that he still tears at my heart every now and then, but these days i try not to let him so much. I don't know what it is that pulls me towards him, its something greater than us both. I don't know if he just thinks our relationship (or me) is just 'convenient'. I don't know if there is something there on his end. I don't know if something was ever there. I don't know a lot of things. There are so many unanswered questions in my head. And i know i should be strong enough to walk away without these questions answered, but I'm truly not.

Its funny because I'm one of the strongest people i know. I am able to pull any of my friends out of a rut, I'm the motivator, the doctor Phil, the shoulder to cry on. I'm the problem solver. I'm the strong friend. The one you call when everything is falling apart.
But when it comes to me, and especially me with him. I'm so weak. And worse, I think he knows this too.
I don't ask questions about our relationship. I am myself, but in an overly shy manner. So i am truly not myself. Over the last few years the Sara he has come to know, is not the Sara that everyone else knows. Shame. Cause he would love the Sara everyone else knows.

My walls have gone up, and i try to bring them down. And, I try to bring his down. But i think the gates have been shut on both ends. & i don't think they will be opening up to each other for a long long time. That's just reality. Ive known forever that this relationship is not healthy, my friends tell me all the time. My friends thou, are too good to me. They support me in whatever i do. Including seeing boys that are bad for my mental health.

But writing. Putting my mind on paper. Its so much clearer. It hits you harder. Hits so much harder.
So I've decided
Im backing away. I'm letting him go. I'm freeing myself.
Its been way too long. I deserve this.
My heart deserves this.